Greene County, Indiana · Saturday, November 21, 2009
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It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Posted Tuesday, August 18, 2009, at 10:00 AM
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(Photo)

I hadn't slept very much as I tossed and turned throughout the night. Finally I decided to just get up, so I rolled over to look at the clock. There weren't any red numbers staring back at me, so I rolled out of bed and headed for the living room. Stumbling over my tennis shoes, I made it to the light switch and nothing happened. Obviously the power was off, so I fumbled around my desk looking for a lighter. I lit a strawberry scented candle atop the desk and began a search for my phone, which could at least tell me what time it was. I remembered having the phone on the coffee table before I went to bed, but it wasn't there. Then I remembered plugging it back into the charger. It was 3:58 am. Not too bad I thought, I'm often up well before then, so I headed for the shower. I lit another candle in the bathroom; this one was a Jungle Mist scent, which tends to make my shower feel more like a waterfall. It kind of gives me a Tarzan-like approach to the rest of the day.

After dressing and finding a flashlight, I wandered out to the garage to find the release for my garage door opener. As I manually opened the garage door, I was greeted by a cold pelting rain in my face. Nice. After pulling out of the garage and getting soaked again while I manually closed the garage door, I lit out for the Picnic Basket to get a cup of coffee. Power must have been out everywhere in town, as there were no lights on at the store, nor could I see any lights from down town. The young lady working there said that the coffee was probably cold by now because the power had been off for several hours. She was a cute girl but must have been a new employee because I had never seen her before and I stop there at least four days a week. Her voice sounded kind of gruff and gravelly like a drunk after a bad night, it just didn't fit with her face. There were no other cars at the store, nor any other people around. The place seemed so eerily quiet and yet the rain was falling hard. I decided to go back home and have a root beer and wait until it was time to go to work. Since I had forgotten and left the dead bolt secured on the front door, I had to get out of the car and enter through the garage door. Now I was totally soaked and figured I might as well change clothes. I found one more pair of clean jeans and a shirt that wasn't totally wrinkled. I figured what the heck; I might as well try shaving by candlelight since I had the time. It seemed like it took forever to saw off just a few whiskers.

I tried reading by candlelight as I sipped on the root beer, but couldn't develop any interest at all, so I kicked back in the lazy-boy and waited. A couple of times I opened the front door and just looked out at the rain. There were no lights anywhere and all I could hear was the sound of the wind and rain upon the storm door. Once I thought I saw someone or something run by my Caddy, which is parked out in front, but it must have just been the wind and rain.

Finally I left for work and the rain continued to come down even harder. As I pulled out onto 231, I noticed that there was not any traffic at all and everything was pitch black. It was strange not to see the lights at the IGA and on down to the Pizza Hut. As far as I could see, it was nothing but a dark black void, as if there really weren't anything there. The only light was the reflection off of the road and rain from my headlights. I was playing some Grateful Dead on XMRadio and thought about switching to a local station for some news and weather, but I couldn't even remember how to do it. The road was so dark and devoid of any traffic and it was so eerie not to see houses along the road. I looked up towards Odell and Judy's new home, but couldn't even get a glimpse of it. I drove on in the dark all the way to Time Oil and the intersection just appeared vacant of any activity and light. I couldn't remember ever driving this far without seeing at least one car on the road. As I approached the gate at The Big Fenced in Place, I noticed that they were using some emergency lighting. I rolled down the window to offer my badge and the guard turned to me and leveled his rifle right at my face. He wasn't a guard at all, his face was contorted strangely and he looked like an ape, or maybe a gorilla. An ape with a rifle and he was pointing it at me. I slammed the Torrent into reverse and backed off as fast as I could, scraping the curbs along the way. I could see this ape and others joining him, chasing after me and firing their weapons. I wasn't going to make it, they were gaining on me and one reached into my window and grabbed at me. I swung back as hard as I could....and hit my hand on the wall above my bed and woke up. I was sweating and out of breath and all I could think about was...boy, what a weird dream. I was exhausted and I just felt like laying there and trying to get back to sleep. I rolled over to check the time, but there were no red numbers staring back at me.


Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Ol Simmons doing his best Charlton Heston impersonation?

-- Posted by EggMan on Tue, Aug 18, 2009, at 2:16 PM

Was there a strange Ape that reminded you of Roddy McDowell in there somewhere?

Was it the one that pointed the gun in your face?

No...He would have been the one behind the desk in the small office in the guard shack who only stood to watch the commotion.

You Funny!

-- Posted by Indymac4 on Tue, Aug 18, 2009, at 3:33 PM

more likely Mark Wahlberg, if it was Ol Simmons' dream.

-- Posted by virgina was for lovers on Tue, Aug 18, 2009, at 7:59 PM

I refuse to acknowledge that horrible attempt of re-imagining POTA. Charlton Heston it is.

-- Posted by EggMan on Tue, Aug 18, 2009, at 8:13 PM

It wasn't Mark Wahlberg or Charlton Heston. Not a dream. It was real guard gate people. Wiglund went through the gate at "The Big Fenced in Place" many times during his 39 years. Wigs had a few problems. Nothing to parallel what Ol Simmons had to deal with today. Like "Ol Simmons" the Wigmeister made it to work. For those of you that think it is an easy place to work, read this blog. Methinks Wiglund got out of there just in time.

-- Posted by Wiglund on Tue, Aug 18, 2009, at 9:28 PM

Hard to believe, but I woke up at 3:58 this morning.

Mark Wahlberg? Marky Mark?

Charleton Heston has to be looking down now; just smiling about all those weapons being carried to a Presidential protest.

Methinks Wigs has pretty well lost it.

-- Posted by simmons on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 3:37 AM

How can you wake up at 3:58 in the morning and post a blog at 3:37 AM?

Maybe we should be talking about The Time Machine.

Although to be fair, time travel is intrinsic to POTA. I just didn't think Simmons would take a rocket home from work.

-- Posted by Neverhadittolose on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 9:59 AM

Wasn't, "It was a dark and stormy night" the novel that Snoopy couldn't finish?

-- Posted by Wiglund on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 11:51 AM

"Wigs had a few problems"

This fact is intuitively obvious to the most casual observer.

-- Posted by Lil' Hahn on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 12:00 PM

"...intuitively obvious to the most casual observer." I had a prof at Rose that used that phrase many times when attempting to convey some aspect of the Calculus to our class. Most of the time it wasn't, at least to me.

I agree with Wiglund, hopefully 'Ol Simmons doesn't get sued by Snoopy for plagiarism.

-- Posted by Caleb&Cody'sGrandpa on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 12:40 PM

I had a dream eerily similar to the one Ol Simmons had, though in my dream Charlton Heston as Moses was in the passenger seat next to Ol Simmons, and at the moment the ape reached in and grabbed at him, Moses's staff miraculously turned into an AR15 that he used to blast the ape back away from the car allowing Ol Simmons a chance to escape with their lives. They made it to safety, though they did suffer some hearing loss.

After noticing a spelling variation in the above posts I checked: Charlton vs. Charleton. It is the same spelling as his mother's maiden name (Charlton) according to the free dictionary by Farlex.

-- Posted by hopeanddust on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 12:45 PM

There is also a literary contest in California by the name of "It was a dark and stormy night."

-- Posted by Lil' Hahn on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 1:01 PM

Caleb&Cody'sGrandpa: I stole the phrase from my freshman calculus teacher at Purdue (Bob Fuller, one of the best teachers I ever had) ... seems like this phrase makes it's rounds in math circles.

-- Posted by Lil' Hahn on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 1:04 PM

I think it may be an inside joke to those who understand it the most!

Very few math teachers can convey their knowledge of math in a way that makes those of us who do not grasp it, understand it.

You either get it or you don't, and they get it so well that they feel it should be easy to the rest of us...Thus the intuitive remark.

%*&tards!

The "It was a Dark Stormy Night" phrase was also part of Grandmas Theme intro to Small Town by John Cougar Mellencamp.

-- Posted by Indymac4 on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 1:43 PM

Some of you might find it amusing to know, in my dream of Ol Simmons, Charlton (A.K.A. "Moses") Heston, and ape-like guards from "The Big Fenced in Place", that much later, after some of the dust had settled so to speak, that suddenly Booker T. Washington and I were in the back seat of the Torrent...he kept rambling on about container waste, and how "...we'll all eventually get there".

It was very strange.

-- Posted by hopeanddust on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 4:45 PM

Yes it did come from Snoopy, who took it from

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's opening line in his 1830 novel "Paul Clifford".

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, "Paul Clifford" (1830)

"The opening of this book was the inspiration for San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which celebrates the worst in English writing. The contest includes a "Dark and Stormy night" section, which is intended to find the worst introduction that can be made from the beginning of that sentence."

You people are so smart, I can't slip anything by you. ;>)

I'm not sure where the phrase "intuitively obvious to the most casual observer" originated, but it was in a plebe calculus book at the Academy where I first saw it in 1971. It was a green book that we fondly called "Green Death".

-- Posted by simmons on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 8:09 PM

By the way, I didn't really use a time travel machine this morning. If you notice, when you post to this page, it is always noted as an hour earlier than the actual time. I'm posting this at 9:18 pm.

-- Posted by simmons on Wed, Aug 19, 2009, at 8:18 PM

Snoopy also started at least one book with "he was a dark and stormy knight."

This is the great thing about Simmons' blogs - we get all these wonderful literary lessons.

I just finished the book, "John Adams" by David McCullough. I also (at Wiglund's impassioned urging) watched the HBO mini-series that was based on the book.

I found the book entirely fascinating and well worth it. I knew very little about our second president before reading this book. This book was very well written.

The miniseries was very well done, with historically accurate sets, costumes, manners -- all very good. Some of the historic details were inaccurate, however. It is not history, as such, it is historical fiction. But, quite good nonetheless.

-- Posted by Lil' Hahn on Thu, Aug 20, 2009, at 9:51 AM

Rose had the "intuitively obvious" explanation by several professors when I attended, too. Also, on an even lighter side, I seem to remember that the Course description booklet had a very colorful discourse about withdrawing from a course: "Those wishing to withdraw from a course due to course failure or other catastrophic acts of God must do so by....."

-- Posted by Neverhadittolose on Thu, Aug 20, 2009, at 1:09 PM

In response to Lil' Hahn on John Adams. Adams was good, don't get me wrong, but I am not going to vote for him for the Presidential HOF. In my opinion, if he was that good he would have been the first president. No, my choice as the best will always be George "Babe" Washington. He pitched for support better than anyone since and fielded 100% of an army. Pretty good career stats. Besides, I'm pretty sure Adams had help by using a PED (Performance Enhancing Democracy)

-- Posted by Neverhadittolose on Thu, Aug 20, 2009, at 1:20 PM

I've done a bit of "reading" on those guys and think George was probably the best Pitcher there was-- he had a really great CURVE -- his pitches were never what they seamed and he usually came out looking like a rose even if the pitch was covered with snuff .

Adams was always trying to blow fastballs past people... straight and true... and sometimes he just needed to learn how to toss a change up now and then... for him to toss a curve would have been SO wrong.

-- Posted by silerCityDude on Thu, Aug 20, 2009, at 3:08 PM

Neverhadittolose: Well, I have heard that George Washington gambled on the outcome of the Revolutionay War. Just wanted you to know this. :)

-- Posted by Lil' Hahn on Fri, Aug 21, 2009, at 9:38 AM

So did I, but I went with the odds and bet on the Brits. Kind of got French kissed.

-- Posted by simmons on Fri, Aug 21, 2009, at 11:36 AM


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