Deck the Malls

Rocking around the Christmas tree

Over the past couple of years I have done the majority of my Christmas shopping via the internet. Just sitting at the computer in the warmth of my living room, I have been able to visit store after store without even putting my shoes on. No crowds, no parking issues and I could even get up and get a snack right in the middle of a purchase. You just shouldn't do that in a real live store. I think it might be a little uncouth and create quite a stir to be standing at the cashier with people lined up for miles behind you and say, "Wait a minute whilst I go grab a sandwich and a beer."

When shopping at home via the internet, I go to my Rhapsody library and turn on some Christmas music to shop by. A couple of verses of Porky Pig singing "Blue Christmas" and I'm totally immersed in the Christmas shopping spirit. I have saved the web addresses of just about every store in North America in my Favorite "Shopping" folder, so I just click them and I'm right there in the store. On-line shopping eliminates fighting traffic into the big city, wandering through the malls, dodging people with over-loaded sacks of goodies and wondering where in the heck you are half the time. All you need to do to shop on-line is grab a debit or credit card, mindlessly put things into your little computerized cart and then click on "Check Out". There is no need to lug packages around the mall because the on-line stores will provide delivery right to your front door. Most stores will give you options on how you want it delivered (USPS, USPS Priority Mail, UPS, FedEx, etc.) and some will allow you to enter instructions for the delivery person, like "Please bring this to my back door and place inside the pink and green colored dog house." I recently bought a new set of golf clubs on a Friday evening, asked for overnight delivery, they were in my hands at 11 am the following morning and I played with them that afternoon. (My old clubs were suddenly breaking quite frequently and I noticed one day that I had more irons in for repair than I had in my bag.)

In the past, I have wandered around these huge malls, going from store to store, just looking for inspiration. It is tough for me to determine at times just exactly what I should buy for certain individuals. This is very similar to "writer's block" and can be extremely distressful while you are wandering around a mall without the slightest hint. However, if you haven't a clue what to get someone and you are sitting there staring at your computer screen, just Google "interesting gifts for him/her" and you will be flooded with ideas.

Have you ever gone shopping in a mall with the expressed intent of getting to a particular store in mind and find that you forgot where it was? Have you ever been pressed for time and arrive at the mall to pick up just one last present and run into 19 different people who you haven't seen in years and then you have to stand and listen to every detail about the education and growth spurts of each of their thirteen kids? Have you handed a perfectly good credit card to a cashier while you are standing at the head of a line of irate, impatient and 'definitely not in the holiday spirit' shoppers and be told that your card isn't any good? (A good friend of mine went to Indy recently for a ballgame and a weekend away and after he got there he found out that the bank had shut off his credit card because they were worried about a possible fraudulent charge.) There are just too many things that can ruin a day of Christmas shopping by venturing out into this crazy world.

This past Saturday morning, I traded my Chevy Equinox for a new Pontiac Torrent and when I was done I was conveniently located adjacent to the mall, so I decided, what the heck, I'll try some mall Christmas shopping again to see if things have changed. Let me tell you, they have changed, as a matter of fact, they have become much worse. I really thought that this economic downturn would have lessened the number of crazed shoppers that I would have to endure. Evidently the economy is not that bad.

I parked my new vehicle just outside the west entrance to the mall, which provided me with a very short walk in the cold brisk air. (I may have mentioned this in a previous article, but I'll say it again, I'm not fond of cold brisk air anymore.) The Christmas shopping experience started off well as I moseyed through the onslaught of mothers, kids and other old people like me. The hallways of the malls basically have two corridors which are separated by little niche shops and I had always supposed that traffic should flow one way on the right corridor and the other way on the left corridor. I could tell early on that very few people agree with that supposition as the pedestrian traffic was moving helter-skelter with no regard for any sensible flow. It brought to mind a vision of a college rugby match. Several times that morning, I ducked into a nearby store just to avoid getting trampled and to gather my composure for another run against the crowd. A couple of times I came face to face with 4 girls walking side by side, talking and giggling and paying no attention to the oncoming traffic. They must have assumed that wherever it was that they were going, they had the right of way. One group of girls (gauging from their size)were headed to the Big and Tall Shop and my first thought when they approached was how it must feel to an NFL quarterback to be facing a blitz.

Early on I headed to Dick's Sporting Goods, where I spent several minutes on their putting green, just trying out some of their new putters and calming my nerves. I also visited several small shops, purchased some nice gifts and made a couple of trips to the car to deposit some packages. This entire shopping event had taken on somewhat of a competitive nature as I tried to see how far I could walk without someone bumping into me. After a short while I was beginning to enjoy myself and was even thinking that the exercise might be doing me some good. However, I began to suffer some hunger pains and my mind began racing back to my apartment and the thoughts of how nice it used to be to halt the shopping experience immediately and walk into the kitchen for a snack.

I decided to visit one more store and call it a day. I walked into Target and immediately went into the shopping mode. After several minutes of perusing various aisles, I was convinced that I needed to get a cart, so I headed back to the entrance. The first cart that I grabbed had an eerily strange brake problem, which caused the wheels to be locked up tighter than a drum. The second one took off unrestricted and I was on my way at a high rate of speed to do some serious Christmas shopping. I love Target. This store had just about everything that anyone can imagine and my mind had become completely stocked with innumerable Christmas gift ideas. I couldn't believe how quickly I found so many neat little gifts and it wasn't long before I had my speedy little cart filled to the brim with presents for all of my kids. Somehow I arrived at a check-out line that was completely empty. I'm not sure, but I think that might have been the first time that has happened to me in my entire life. The young man who checked me out was very efficient and appeared to care that he didn't damage any of my merchandise as he bagged it and placed it in my cart. I felt good, I was done, ready to go eat some chow and to call it a day. I had one minor problem which just occurred to me as I left the check-out counter. I was on the east side of the mall, my car was on the west side and the sign said "No carts in the mall." Now the hunger pangs really started hitting me, but I said, "What the heck, it can't be that far." I exited the door and took off pushing my cart around the store. Fortunately, the temperature had climbed up to near freezing I think, and the fresh air felt good as I started around the store. As I got to the end of the Target building, I glanced across the lot and saw Macy's, which looked about three to four miles away at the time, but undaunted, I lit out for the horizon. After what seemed to be hours, I had pushed this fully loaded cart around the parking lot to the corner of Macy's. As I passed Macy's I saw the west side parking lot and began to feel as though I might make it at last, but there was this steep hill and no cart path down to the next lot. I looked and thought for a minute about pushing the cart over the curb and trying to ease it down the steep grassy knoll (Saturday just happened to be the 45th anniversary of JFK's assassination and Dealy Plaza was now on my hallucinating mind), however I had purchased some high dollar fragile items and I didn't trust that I could make it without spilling the cart. So I took off for the road and a path around this obstacle. Several cars passed me and the passengers gazed at me as if I was a homeless individual. I could almost feel the pity in their eyes. By now, my nose was running at a pace many times faster than my sore legs could move this old body and I could barely feel my ears, so I knew that frostbite was imminent. I pushed on into the wind and finally got into the west side parking lot, which put me within a mile or two of my destination. By now there were at least a couple of hundred thousand cars in this lot; consequently there was no navigating directly through to my car. I wheeled around and chose what I thought would be the shortest route as the hunger gripped my stomach and twisted it into a tightly clinched knot. I'm not sure where the drive to continue came from and there were a few moments when my mind must have blacked out because I cannot remember much of the remainder of the trip to the car. However, I do remember getting the car started and sitting there in stunned silence as I waited for the heat to defrost my aching body.

I'm sure that I'll never undertake such a dangerous chore as mall shopping again. It is definitely neither for the faint of heart nor for old people like me. All of my future shopping excursions from this day forward shall forever be conducted in the safety and comfort of my living room. As Turkey Day descends upon us quickly, I wish each and every one of you a Safe and Happy Holiday Season.